18 gennaio 2008

HOMINES, LAUDATE ET GAUDETE


Cristiani di tutto il mondo unitevi:

Annuntio vobis gaudium magnum;
habemus Papam:
Eminentissimum ac Reverendissimum Dominum,
Dominum Giovanpaolum
Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem Caraffa Kobra
qui sibi nomen imposuit Anaclito I


Benedizione Apostolica "Urbi et Orbi" (18 gennaio 2007). Da Bologna, per via dell’impostore l’antipapa Benedetto XVI che con la sua marmaglia tiranneggia, ancora per poco, la santissima Roma.

Cari fratelli, ma soprattutto sorelle, dopo l’ultimo grande Papa Pio IX, più di un secolo di nefandezze e debolezza hanno avvinghiato alla cintola la nostra madre, la Santa Romana Chiesa e tanti effimeri usurpatori, poco più che debosciati pretuncoli campestri, hanno insozzato il Soglio che fu dell’Appostolo Pietro. Ma ora i signori cardinali hanno eletto me, un semplice ma durissimo lavoratore nella vigna del Signore, vi prometto che i giorni in cui Innocenzo III governava il mondo civile intero, cioè la Cristianità, con il “Libro in una mano e la Spada nell’altra” presto torneranno. Mi consola il fatto che il Signore sa lavorare ed agire anche con strumenti insufficienti e soprattutto mi affido alle vostre preghiere. Nella gioia del Signore risorto, fiduciosi nel suo aiuto permanente, andiamo avanti come arieti nel suo pascolo. Il Signore ci aiuterà e Maria sua Santissima Madre starà dalla nostra parte. Grazie figli miei, ma soprattutto figlie mie.

Questo l’annuncio straordinario giunto subitaneo alla nostra redazione, il Segretissimo e Santissimo Conclave Bolognese presieduto dai cardinali del Grande Scisma, ironicamente e stupidamente soprannominati nei mesi scorsi dai media pro-Ratzinger: i Neo-patari dell’Amor Extraconiugale. Il Conclave, riunitosi «a seguito delle ben note vicende di questi giorni in rapporto alla visita» dell’antipapa Joseph Ratzinger «all'Università degli studi La Sapienza», ha all’unanimità dichiarato decaduto, con l’accusa di «sodomia isterica», Benedetto XVI. Quest’ormai debole caricatura de “Il principe degli Apostoli” incapace di schiacciare quattro studentelli bolscevichi iconoclasti o due professorini relativisti demago-catto-comunisti, ha finalmente, con la sua moderazione, smesso di nuocere alle schiere dei fedeli. Dopo rapide consultazioni è stato così eletta Sua Santità Anaclito I, al secolo il cardinale Giovanpaolo Caraffa Kobra, presule eccellentissimo e santo, l’unico che può risollevare le tristi sorti di quel poco che rimane del Santissimo Stato della Chiesa. Il Sacro Collegio era altresì composto dai seguenti pii uomini, tutti in odore di santità:

Gerardus Cedrolae de Agropolis (presiedeva il Conclave);
Achilleus von Kastald episcopus de Neapolis;
Mattheus Geròme de Burgundia ep. Mediolanensis;
Mattheus Bregonzi de Comerius ep. Londinensis;
Vittoris I de Avellinem ep. Maiorensis;
Henricus Biffi Ordinis Minorum generalis;
Paolus de' i Guidi Ordinis Predicaturom Inquisitor Magnus;
Ulricus Cangianus de Quartus abbas Ceppalonensis;
Gaudenzius Luxorio Ferraris ep. Bononiensis;
Laurentium Casaburis de Neapolis ep. Africanus;
Simon Tozzis de Guirate abbas Vultorrensis;
Roccus Sigfredi de Ortona ep. Theatinus;
Eugenius I Parrocchie ep. de Portus Aghios Gheorgus, Patriarchae Constatinopolitani;
Eugenius II diaconus cardinalis de Columbia et Novi Mundi;
Pelagius Palagi Ordinis Sancti Benedicti;
Marius de Garbatella cardinalis presbiteri tit. S. Petri in vincùla.

Per la prima volta nella storia questi pii fratres sono stati accuditi e confortati da alcune sorelle e da un laico, ovviamente tutti in odore di santità:

Beniaminus Merumeni de Helvetia filius Gerardi Cedrolae, probabile Oberst delle Guardie Svizzere Riformate;
Laurentia da Montibelli Ancilla Pontifex Maximo, probabile Gran Camerlenga;
Lodovicas de Lucania abbatissa Ceppalonensis;
Minnis Mannzerbrecher Ordinis Minorum Reformati, ancilla generalis.

Nella notte in cui è stato eletto, l’Unico e Vero Santo Padre invece di darsi a festini orgiastici con imberbi seminaristi, come d’uso nei depravati predecessori, si è raccolto in preghiera nel Romitorio di Ceppaloni dalle Figlie del Sacro Crisma. Qui, confortato dalla soavissima soror Brigitta Ceppa de’ Mugnai, già in odore di santità, e accudito dal chiarissimo pater Ulrico Cangiano episcopus Ceppalonensis, ha già, e ripeto già, portato a compimento la sua prima Enciclica. Esausto per l’ingrato compito ora riposa nelle sue stanze con Lorenza da Montebello che lo veglia, attendiamo trepidanti il suo risveglio. Presto vi daremo in anteprima, solo per Tabard, i punti cardinali (scusate il gioco di parole) dell’Enciclica. Gaudium Magnum et pax aeternam.


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Alle 1/18/2008 08:36:00 PM , Anonymous Anonimo ha detto...

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